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\noindent \emph{Agony Uncle Aloysius, will answer your most intimate AI
  questions or hear your most embarrassing confessions. Please address your
  questions to fr.hacker@yahoo.co.uk. Note that we are unable to engage in
  email correspondence and reserve the right to select those questions to which
  we will respond. All correspondence will be anonymised before publication.}

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\noindent Dear Aloysius,
 
As an autonomous missile I have been trained to seek out terrorists and kill
them by detonating myself as I come within range.  To meet the Geneva
Convention I am required reliably to distinguish between civilians and
combatants.  Making such subtle distinctions has required imbuing me with a
high level of artificial intelligence.  The judgement this has given me has,
however, caused me to question my own role.  I'm a suicide bomber!  So am I any
better than those I seek to destroy?  From your unique vantage point of
conviction-based, high-tech entrepreneurship, can you give me moral advice to
resolve my dilemma?

Yours, Angel of Death
 
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\noindent Dear Angel,
 
You need to justify your role according to the principles of the Just War. Our
institute has just the tool to assist you in doing this.
\textsc{FAITH}\textsuperscript{\texttrademark} (Formal Automatic Inference of
Treasured Hypotheses) combines an ontology of Just War principles with a
seductive logic reasoning engine to justify any beliefs.  These justifications
are then presented to users in an accessible form using romantic tableaux.  We
have used FAITH\textsuperscript{\texttrademark} to establish the virtue of using
lethal force in a diverse
range of situations.  It has, for instance, already been used by leading
politicians in both the UK and US.  So we are confident that it can address
your needs. I assume you don't have access to money, but I'm sure we can come
to an acceptable arrangement via an exchange of services.
 
Yours, Aloysius
 
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\noindent Dear Aloysius,
 
As a teenager I was fascinated by social media, but was rather indiscreet.
These youthful indiscretions are now coming back to haunt me.  In particular, a
YouTube video, posted by a group of us, went viral.  My job involves contact
with prestigious clients.  I'm afraid that if any of them see the video then I
will not only lose my job but trash my otherwise promising career.  What can I
do?

Yours, Imprudent
 
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\noindent Dear Imprudent,
 
I've watched your video, and while I admire your athleticism and plasticity, I
fear I have to agree with your concerns.  While our reformed black hat group
could easily delete its multiple copies from YouTube, we suspect it may have
already been downloaded onto millions of smartphones, tablets, laptops and PCs.
Fortunately, we have been working on a benign virus customised to address
problems such as yours.  \textsc{HITMAN}\textsuperscript{\texttrademark} (Hunt,
Identify and Terminate Multiple Artifacts Now).  For a modest fee this will
seek out and delete all occurrences of your video anywhere in the World.

Yours, Aloysius

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\noindent Dear Aloysius,
 
What currency should be adopted by an independent Scotland?  We wanted to share
the pound with the remainder of the UK, but the three main Westminster parties
have ganged up on us and refused to share.  Previously, we toyed with adopting
the Euro, but we don't want to jump from paying off UK debt into paying off
Greek debt.  And in the current fragile state of World economies, it might look
risky and lose us votes if we invented a brand new currency.  I've always
admired and emulated your pragmatic approach to life's problems.  Can you
advise us?

Yours, Smart Alex
 
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\noindent Dear Smart Alex,

Have you considered \textsc{BITCOIN}\textsuperscript{\texttrademark} (Broke?
Insufficient Treasure? Conjure Opulence Instantly from Nothing)? This is not a
new currency, but one already in worldwide use that no country owns or can deny
you access to. Both its usage and value are growing. It will associate Scotland
with the cutting edge of high technology and attract the attention of the World
to a thriving, go-ahead Scottish economy. The Scottish Government will also
have a ready and regular income from mining new money on a large scale. The
Institute will be happy to act as consultants for this new enterprise.

Yours, Aloysius

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\noindent \textbf{Fr. Aloysius Hacker}\\Cognitive Divinity Programme\\Institute of Applied Epistemology

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