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\noindent \emph{Agony Uncle Aloysius, will answer your most intimate AI questions or hear your most embarrassing confessions. Please address your questions to fr.hacker@yahoo.co.uk. Note that we are unable to engage in email correspondence and reserve the right to select those questions to which we will respond. All correspondence will be anonymised before publication.}

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\noindent Dear Aloysius,

When I was founded, 50 years ago, hopes for AI were high. We expected fully-conscious, automated companions within our lifetimes. Typical fruits of those 50 years of research, however, have been the Roomba vacuum cleaner and the Robomow lawn mower. What about the general-purpose maids and gardeners we were promised? Has it all been worthwhile? Should we give up?

Yours, AISB

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\noindent Dear AISB,

The Institute's many AI products, described in these columns over many years, should surely have convinced you of our success in delivering your vision. For instance, we make a robot that can turn its hand to housework, gardening and anything else you assign it. For a modest consideration, FACTOTUM\textsuperscript{\texttrademark} (Futuristic, Artificial Consciousness Tackles Oddjob Tasks and the Usual Maintenance) will fulfil all the functions of maid, gardener, cook, butler and chauffeur, leaving the owner to enjoy a life of leisure. Nor will it require wages, holidays or sleep.

Yours, Aloysius

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\noindent Dear Aloysius,

We've all been guilty of skimming through terms and conditions without due care and attention. Let my experience serve as a dire warning. I'm a film star. You may have heard of me. A month ago my production company persuaded me to let them capture and store a library of my movements, facial expressions and speech. They said it would simplify future film production. 'Simplify' turned out to be a gross understatement. What they meant was that entire films could now be constructed from these film clips without my involvement. Indeed, a closer inspection of those terms and conditions revealed that it could be done without my permission either. A never-ending series of trashy movies, including, it's rumoured, even some pornography, plus adverts for dodgy products, will now be released -- even long after my death. My reward will a modest royalty and my reputation will nose dive. My career, and celebrity lifestyle, are at an end. Can you help me?

Yours, Avatar

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\noindent Dear Avatar,

What you need is for those film clips to disappear. Our investigations have revealed that your film company's paranoia over retaining its intellectual property has played into our hands: there are only two copies of your library and we know where both of them are stored. The task of 'disappearing' them is a perfect fit to the institute's skill set. Moreover, concerned that you might sell a second library to a rival company, those terms and conditions preclude you from re-recording those clips. So once they are gone, they're gone for good. Our ERASE\textsuperscript{\texttrademark} (Explore, Reveal and Abolish a Store of Effigies) system will infiltrate the company's clip library, delete your clips and overwrite them with random bits, multiple times, until they are irretrievable.

That's the Good News. The Bad News is that you are not alone. Nearly all your fellow stars have been caught in the same net. The loss of your clips will not mean you can resume your career.  All future film production will be automated; it's just that you won't be in them and you won't collect any royalties. The only solution is for you to persuade all your colleagues to purchase our services for our very reasonable consideration.

Yours, Aloysius

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\noindent Dear Aloysius,

I'm worried about The Singularity. If Ray Kurzweil and others are right, we are faced with an exponential growth of ever more intelligent robots who will take over the planet, leaving us, at best, as pets. Should we call a moratorium on AI research now?

Yours, AfrAId

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\noindent Dear AfrAId,

There's no need to worry. The Singularity is not in the future, but in the past: 11:11pm 1st April 2011, to be exact. On that day our Institute launched the World's first super-intelligent, agent-based system. We are now into the 9th generation of that initial system. Haven't you ever wondered how we have been able to deliver such an extraordinarily successful series of intelligent products? HOMO MACHINA\textsuperscript{\texttrademark} v1.0-9.7 (Humans Overtaken, by Machines Outdone: Mighty Agents Creating Highly Innovative and Novel Artefacts) made them. As long as these mighty agents are kept busy with meeting the huge demand for these products, they have no time to displace mankind -- so keep those orders coming!

Yours, Aloysius

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\noindent \textbf{Fr. Aloysius Hacker}\\Cognitive Divinity Programme\\Institute of Applied Epistemology

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